Illness & Incompetence plague Team Bearclaw

2/10/2008

Rock Racing, Toyota-United, Jelly Belly, and Team Bearclaw were just a few of the teams represented at the Roger Millikan Memorial Criterium, and it was with supreme confidence that owner Chet Bearclaw said, "There is no way my boys are going to lose this race. Zero chance."

Unfortunately for Bearclaw's ambitious owner, all of his team members had fallen ill, forcing John McKeen to withdraw from the roster and the remaining riders to compete in less than perfect form. The remaining three racers; Jason Lowetz, Mike Tettelton and Alejandro St. Jean were far from happy with the situation.

"I don't know what we caught." said racer Mike Tettelton before heading to the start line. "It's not looking good, though. I tried meditating before the race. I laid out nude on top of the team bus to take in some cosmic rays, you know, get healed by mother nature... but it didn't help."

"Probably a fever, it feels like I have a temperature, but we'll see how the race goes." said Jason Lowetz, who was wearing a pair of "Top Gun" style aviator glasses. "I'm just glad Chet gave me some new shades after last weeks disaster."

The race set off and quickly accelerated to a blistering pace, with laps averaging over 50kph. In a post-race press conference, Alejandro St. Jean attributed the fast pace to his presence in the race. "All the guys saw me there, and they knew they were going to have to step up their game if they wanted to keep me from going off the front on a solo break."

St. Jean, who finished 13^th, was happy with his finish. "Considering how sick I am, I can't complain about a 13th place finish. Also, if you look at the photos of the race, you can see my bars were moving in my stem. Our mechanic didn't tighten the stem bolts enough, and every time I'd get on the gas, my bars would slip."

A furious team owner Chet Bearclaw later fired the mechanic and had him arrested for attempted homicide. "I don't know what he was trying to do, but it seemed like he was trying to kill my rider."

The real surprise, however, came later in the evening. Bearclaw's team doctor ran extensive tests on all of the riders, trying to pin down the source of their illness. "Well, it looks like all of them have multiple, uncontrolled STDs" said the shocked doctor. "It's like nothing I've ever seen before." When asked if any of the STDs were curable, he replied, "I'm sure they are, but it's going to take some work. I'm just amazed that these boys raced in the condition they were in."

When the news of the rider’s illness reached owner Chet Bearclaw, his reactions were mixed. "Well, I'm obviously concerned for their well-being... but I'm also proud of them. To catch that many STDs takes some serious work and commitment."

Within hours, he was on a plane headed to Nepal to scale the famed Mt. Everest. Chet claims that a rare flower grows near the summit which will completely heal his riders in only a few days. Chet, who is revered among the local Sherpas as a legendary and daring climber, is planning on making the ascent without the use of bottled oxygen or protective clothing.